So this is where it begins… it’s 2018 on the 26th of October and I’m leaving The Black Rock Retreat my high school hosted in Lancaster, PA. I never went the previous year but man I was in no mood for doing work and assignments at school this year. We just had a great time doing outdoor activities such as zip-lining, dodgeball, basketball, hiking, laser tag, Christian stuff, people shouting Lil Uhh whenever I walked in the room, and talking about our feelings (some with more tears than others). The whole bus ride home I was thinking about someone, someone I was spending a lot of time with during my 3-day trip there because he didn’t have a lot of friends there. The whole bus ride home I’m mostly silently at the front of the bus staring blankly at the front of the road for the next hour and a half. “Yo Lil Uhh you good?”, Shaq asked. “Yeah I’m alright” I reply, but secretly I feel something a feeling I haven’t felt in a long time. It took me a while to realize but I have a crush, a real crush… on a boy. Sure I had little crushes before and may or may not have some infatuations for other guys here and there but this one felt different you know. It felt right even though in the eyes of many it was wrong. When we got back to the school where my mom and sister were waiting to pick me up, he was nowhere to be found. I silently searched for him to no avail but I caught a glimpse of him leaving for the SEPTA bus and I wondered if he enjoyed our time together as much as I did. At home, I spent the entire weekend thinking about him, I could barely eat the personal pizza my mom brought me because I had butterflies in my stomach. Focus by H.E.R. kept playing in my head. My mind couldn’t shake the feeling no matter what I did because before I didn’t even like him, I didn’t hate him but I was utterly annoyed because I didn’t know him nor did I care to. But now he’s in my mind living rent-free, I’m subconsciously telling myself I have to get to know Jack more when I go back to school. Little did I know at the time this experience would pivot to changing my way of thinking and how I perceived the world. I began to grow.
Fast Forward to December 23rd, 2018, I and my family had just gotten back from a breakfast buffet in King of Prussia, unexpectedly my sister rushed into my room frantically saying “We’re doing Christmas now” confusing the hell out of me. Despite me almost not wanting to do it because it wouldn’t feel special I decided to go through with it and open my new HP Touchscreen Laptop. While playing with it I’m getting text from my close friend Sho. Prior to this I kinda agreed to do a rap song with him. We set up a time to call each other to start discussing things. I should say after he graduated and went to study in Seattle, our friendship while growing was merely kept on a spontaneous texting level so when he called around 9-10ish PM, it was full of nostalgia and happiness. I almost felt like hugging my entire phone we spent the next 3-4 hours talking about the past and catching up on our future. I had a strange mixture of feelings you know, I was so happy but felt something else. When we hung up and I went to sleep I realized that I may have feelings for him. I mean his presence was the best Christmas gift I ever got so far. It kinda made me realize experiences are worth more than material things. It’s like when your dad comes home for Christmas after fighting in the military. And subsequent calls I guess the feelings grew but I felt conflicted because I also had feelings for Jack but it felt weird to like 2 people at the same time.
My friendship with Sho began to become a bit unstable as the months progressed because of his focus on school and his then-girlfriend and I began to become a little paranoid that he might wind up leaving (metaphorically speaking). My fears became realized on the day I graduated high school it’s kinda both our faults too but that’s beside the point. Everybody said “Congratulations, Jay” or “Congratulations Lil Uhh” but him even though we spoke a few days ago, I was kinda fazed about it because this is one of the biggest events and accomplishments of my life and he’s nowhere to be found. Instead of making a big deal, I waited and hoped I would get a text that said “Congratulations, my nigga” or something close but nothing, all day and all night. After we went home, I couldn’t shake the feeling so I tried to call him but he refused to pick up because he was on a date with his girlfriend. I wouldn’t listen and I kept calling, eventually he started to get irritated and so was I because this was one of the best days of my life and he’s treating it like it was nothing (still got the screenshots too). I started to feel upset and so was he because he felt like I was disrespecting him and his girlfriend. Eventually, we ended our argument with him saying “I don’t know why you’re so happy about a damn diploma when Keon can’t even graduate”. That really hit home, one of the best days of my life was ruined by that comment because Keon was my nigga & my day one. We all empathize with the fact that he wasn’t able to graduate. That was the last I heard from him for a while. Now I’m sitting next to my bed in the dark on the floor, I felt something but it wasn’t love or infatuation it was dread, sorrow, anguish, and heartbreak. It’s funny cause I never had a boyfriend but this is the closest thing to a heartbreak I got. Even though I tried to put on a smile for my family when we went to celebrate my graduation the next day it wasn’t real and I still felt empty and upset like a part of me died inside. Even though my friends took my side and agreed what he did was wrong it wasn’t enough to heal and get over it. It certainly didn’t help when he blocked me because I blew up his phone with so many messages. Now before you guys start throwing pitchforks & flames let me just say we reconciled eventually and our bond is stronger to the point where we laugh about it now. We both feel terrible for the way we acted and apologized for acting like jerks but that’s how it felt. I was so upset for the rest of the year, even though I tried to put on a face that I was fine, deep down I knew I wasn’t it felt like my blood was boiling.
I kept my emotions in check for a while but it wasn’t until I joined another retreat to Kutztown University with people from a program at my Community College that’s when my feelings finally let out and I “broke down”. After which I finally felt a lil bit better even though I was still sad but happy enough to smile because I had friends who were there and community support. To fill the void left behind by Sho that summer I joined a pen pal app where I met Moises, a Salvadoran man. We don’t talk much as we used to nowadays but we were close friends that year. He was also my first (at the time) gay friend even though he despised the labels. We had a bit of a bond and we talked a lot, although my head was still all over the place enough to actually get him to replace Sho. In any case, Moi had a very positive influence on me and a wake-up call that I may just be curious. I have been denying that I like other guys for a long time but I said I might be bi-curious and he’s like “Are you sure you’re not just bisexual”. After doing research I started to identify as that. After pushing myself mentally, eventually I realized I didn’t wanna hide from some of my friends anymore so I slowly started coming out, the reactions were mostly positive and I felt like for the first time I was truly coming into light. They were mostly supportive and even the ones I was worried about telling handled it so well and it made me happy. I even told Jack about my crush on him and, to be honest, it helped me move on from him since he was straight (despite suggestions that imply otherwise). I felt like I’d be able to tell the world and completely be myself. I believed that if my friends had enough emotional maturity to accept me for who I am, maybe my mom could. So in November 2019, I told her but instead of love and comfort, I received disappointment and coldness. She took an opportunity to bond with her distant son and made it about herself. I suppressed a lot of the trauma of the event but the conversation ruined me inside, she said “Your dad will disown you and you can kiss your nana goodbye” She even tried to goad me into not telling anyone and got mad at me when I did. I can’t remember much but she made it clear she wouldn’t support me if I came out of the closet to my family. To be honest, I thought she had enough emotional maturity to handle it properly but I was wrong. It ruined me inside and I felt like I was driving myself insane. I started questioning myself and suppressing my feelings. Convinced myself I might be straight after all…
But then 2021 I heard from one of my friends say that he’s been hooking up with other guys and having the time of his life while in Vietnam (international student) and then I had a conversation with my dad about not letting fear dictate who you are and your choices, I realized it’s time to come out to all my friends on socials. But nobody gave a fuck… I feel like nobody was surprised at all they just said “Whatever he likes boys”. Anticlimactic as fuck but I’m glad I did because I could finally start expressing myself more. Originally I wanted to come out on my 21st birthday but I realized now is probably for the better. So I came out as bisexual the day after my 20th birthday. Even though I used to feel uncomfortable talking to my straight friends especially the boys about my relationships, nowadays I do not care and though I lost a lot of followers or old acquaintances, I accepted that they were never truly here for me just whatever perception of me that had in my head. I’m not gonna brush parts of myself to make people feel better you know. You are either here for me or you are not like there is no in-between. Even though this guarantees I may be alone in my journey, rather be alone than be suffering trying to please everybody and make them feel better. GET OVER IT!!!
My dating life perhaps has been turbulent but progressing. I mean I fooled around with and spoken to over 50 gay guys with only a handful taking it up to the next level beyond internet “friends”. Even though many have come and gone there are some that hold some significance. My first time was with a dude named Spencer, I had my first kiss with a Grindr date named Tim. I also retained a very well-meaning and close friendship with a guy named Andrew… so far he’s one of the best matches I ever had because he’s kind, patient, and pleasant to fool around with and explore some things I may or may not like about sex. He’s also one of the few who isn’t just interested in a booty call (and yes; someone you can genuinely vibe with beyond sex is a lot to ask for within the gay community). Affectionately I call him my gay guide or my husband, he’s also taken it upon himself to say I am “no longer a baby gay” after a couple of “sessions” with him. To date even though he’s in a happy relationship we still see each other from time to time and go out on some real out-of-town adventures. And to be honest, my car accident happened mostly because I wanted to go see him since he lived an hour away (it’s a difficult story). I’ve also had some lingering feelings here and there for some guys come 2022 (surprise, surprise they’re all Puerto Rican). Ultimately they didn’t work out too well and I spent a lot of time indecisive about them and giving them chances to redeem themselves when they fuck up. But however, there was one that I met completely randomly in late 2022. I’m sure he’s reading this so he knows the story but I should probably tell it anyway cause this can help anyone who’s also indecisive or feeling hopeless…
There’s something special about November, minus last year and 2020, there are always some interesting boys coming by that catch my attention. 2018 there was Jack, 2019 there was Moises and An. In 2021 there was Nick, and in 2022 there was Orlando. Before I met Orlando I was feeling hopeless, like all the boys were just getting on my nerves. Even though I was talking to someone he still lived far and they were roughly just an idea of hope. The week we met I made plans to link with some Puerto Rican from Camden named Isaiah. I only agreed because I was so tired of other guys… I put in all the work to be a good boyfriend candidate only for the little x to suddenly appear on snap or just have them flat out go ghost. Someone asked me to come over to their house and then right before I left he went ghost and it felt like a setup. I needed a win and I needed to feel good so I set it up after flirting. Then one day at work, just a normal day on Tinder I got a message from Orlando, I didn’t think much of it I said to myself let’s get this over with and started texting throughout my tour of duty at work (thankfully I just started so I didn’t get called out for being on my phone so much). It was crazy because it felt like we knew each other for a long time because we shared a lot of the same experiences despite differing in some things. I don’t normally meet people right out the back after just matching with them but I kinda had to because I sensed something special within him. On the same date because I knew Isaiah would bail (he never gave me his address or give me a call like he said he would) I decided to visit Orlando in his home, ironically in Camden. It was nice. I can’t say I have memories just feelings for the most part I didn’t wanna get my hopes up because after every other guy I dated or linked with, I didn’t wanna rush it or push it, and with our current situations it was hard to meet daily since the buses don’t necessarily run from Philly to Jersey. Even though I came home sick after visiting him, it was worth it! For the most part, we kept in touch, but I still kept other guys in contact to avoid getting hurt. We talked almost every day from Thanksgiving to Christmas. Maybe New Year I can’t remember but it wasn’t until we met for 3rd time and he was the very first person to say happy birthday to me when my birthday came, I started to take him more seriously as a potential boyfriend. He said he may have feelings for me and I may too. And said he may love me and the feeling was possibly mutual. For the most part… I tried to be there and show more support since he has a lot going on at home. Also felt very concerned for him because he kept waking up late and he couldn’t host anymore because of an issue with his friend. So I tried to do something special after Valentines' Day by renting a hotel room (with breakfast) and tried to help give him some drive to get up by taking him to the gym more (lol that is the very last time I help people work out). To be honest I really hoped I could have some sort of future with him and by the summer’s end, I hoped I could be emotionally ready to have a boyfriend. I stopped using Tinder and kinda kept a low profile around the other gay guys, besides Andrew, with whom I had more than just platonic experience. So it came as a bit of a sting when he wanted to talk and penned a note that we should just be friends. I noticed the signs earlier (when he stopped calling me Pa and kept imploring me to try and see other guys) but chose to ignore them. Lowkey it broke my heart and made me feel like I wasted my time trying to invest in what could’ve been. Without getting too into detail I felt a sense of betrayal like I give my undivided attention to people but it never works out the way I wanted to. Although I’m healing and I got to a point where I can sigh at old pictures of us in contentment a part of me does get those feelings sometimes. It's times when I wish I could forget as well. Hence why at times nowadays I have to keep my distance to avoid letting old feelings get in the way of our friendship since he’s trying to be a good friend in compensation and I’m trying to move on from what could’ve been. Although it’s a new year, I still have to be strong and decisive about what I want and be mentally and emotionally ready for it.
Aside from the ups and downs, I’m telling this story to people who feel hopeless or think that they can’t find what they want or need. It comes… especially when you least expect it. I tell people this all the time and use the Orlando story as a reference while I didn’t gain as much as I wanted from the experience, the experience itself was enough to drive me forward and raise my standards. Orlando set the bar for me. Right now I only know one person greater than or equal to him, to bad he lives in Texas but he sure is cute and inspirational to me. Entering the new year I honestly feel like the goal is to remain focused and stop trying to push fate, I wanna focus more on driving my interest and getting my money. People are saying I should become a writer, a psychologist, obviously a producer or rapper, and should definitely invest in it. I definitely need to do some soul-searching as well. Like I feel my life is beyond Philly and I do wanna explore the world more which would be impossible if I get tied down because of my feelings or what's happening at home. It also reminds me that relationships are very unstable when you’re young because of different mindsets coupled with the fact that my mind is not at peace yet with a lot going on. Lately, I been feeling regretful and conflicted.
Ok so fast forward… to now. After many dates, many relations in the bed, and only a small handful of boys I hoped to truly get into something special with, here I am typing this article at work feeling conflicted about life and the choices that led up to now. Do I like being a gay man… yea I do, I really do, being with other guys that connect to my level makes me happier than anything. But the problem is I haven’t exactly found the time to come out to my family yet. The only people that truly know are my siblings (most of them) and maybe my cousins. Reading these queer books I keep buying kinda makes me want the same outcome as these white boys, but I know black people are different and older people are worse. I wanna have that moment where I talk about my relationships with people that are not my sister or my friends, be able to invite my next and first official boyfriend to family functions, and be able to have those wacky discussions like on family shows about different worldviews and opinions on the world. I want that but I can’t have that, at least not yet. To be honest I just had a conversation with Orlando. He said “You’re much better at adulting than I am” and I responded to that by saying “As an adult, you gotta face your challenges and your fears otherwise you just prolong the inevitable”. To be honest I need to take my own advice because I’m not happy at all and maybe it wouldn’t help but coming out a little more to my family would at least me some closure even if some of them wind up blacklisting me (not like I speak to them like that anyway). This is why next year I know it might be time to start having those conversations and not making the same mistake people from my family made. They made the mistake of running away or hiding from their problems instead of fighting them. Instead of running, I gotta embrace it. I’m writing this open journal entry to you today for you guys to see exactly where my head is at and try to help people who are struggling with themselves. Last Thanksgiving was all about old feelings and revelations. I feel I’m at a crossroads, what choices do I make and how do they affect me? I refuse to stay in the closet for the rest of my life and be miserable and then lead people on, saying that I’m happy with them when I’m not. I’m rambling here as we conclude but where I’m going with this is that this opening year I need to be more open about myself and my interests. I was always afraid of what people think especially my parents but I can’t think of one good reason to continue living in fear. To those of you reading this I hope you understand my dilemma and make the right choices in your life. I hope this entry helps you in any way. But a happy new year and thank you for reading, wish me luck and I wish you luck in your life.
Signed: Blue Jay Haley!
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