I’m always the type of person who knows people, how they act, and how they feel and it’s normally based on observation either first, second, or third-hand experience. One thing I noticed on my own was that the world does not revolve around you. Other people have other lives and as much as I don’t want them to leave in order for them to become their best possible selves… I gotta let people go. Where I’m going with this is that we all have stories we want to tell some of them to diverge or converge. Some of them are basic as hell you know… grew up with liberal families and decided we should come out gay and live that homosexual life going to parties and having orgies and shit. Some are more complex… you’re dealing with people with really fucked up lives. I tried to make the questionnaire as inclusive as I possibly can. In this post, I’m gonna take you guys through the eyes of different people before ending off with myself. I love the fact that people are taking the time to answer these questions. And it’s not even just that, several people have told me that these questions are really making them think about where they are in their lives and where they want to be… they’re fascinating reads although I’m disappointed I couldn’t get everybody, I’m not really pushing it too much on them.
Here's the link if you decide to participate: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1wh2msRnmieLVT3eaP8cWfITEOtnuGLQFd16acITeOt8/edit
Malachi’s Story
My gay guide’s partner Malachi has stated to have taken 2 hours to answer the questionnaire. I only have one word for it… “Damn”. They really put their energy, passion, and feeling into their story and even I had to congratulate them and put this story at the top because I was loss for words. But anyway, here’s how their story went… everyone received the same questions and most answered accordingly.
Blue Haley: What is your name, sexual preference, and age
Malachi: Malachi Chapman, They/Them, Queer, 21yrs young
Blue: Do you consent to having the information posted publicly on a wix.com blog? (Without any implication of your identity other than a name)
Malachi: Yes
Blue: Please give a brief description of yourself.
Malachi: I am a young black gay and genderqueer entering their twenties, finding a home, a community where I do not have to hide my sexuality or race. I am finding more space and time for myself to heal, to endure the activities I use to love to do as a child and spend more time rekindling time for myself.
Blue: Nice! What's your greatest ambition in life you want to achieve?
Malachi: I am intrigued with the arts, mainly theatre, and how we explore the world from our own perspectives by playing other people from stages to screens. I love all types of modeling, from print to fashion, to editorial. I was in front of the camera and embodying feminine to Masculine energy in all of its glory, in all of my glory. I love to pour nothing but life, breathe and love into portraits, monologues, and characters I love to embody.
Blue: Fascinating! When did you first realize you have same-sex attraction? Or when did you realized you were naturally very different from the norms society pits you as (Trans, nonbinary, intersex, Asexual +)?
Malachi: Children know who they are at a young age; I strongly believe in the saying, "we do not need excessive external things but ourselves, what's within." It might sound corny or just played out to others, but it's true. I say this because, at a young age, I was fascinated with my mom's red leather boots that were knee-high for her but took up all of my body height at the age of 3 and 4. I was in love and awe of feminine things, all the black women in my life, between the colorful, solid, and bold styles between the nails, the hair, the makeup, and style. I loved it all and wanted to be a part of it all, but I could not. I lived in a masculine-driven black community where even sometimes the women had to wield the power of masculine energy to survive or thrive on getting where they wanted to be or get what they wanted. So hiding my feminine "urges" was a must not to be ridiculed by my family members. But to answer your question, I knew it all naturally at a young age; I didn't need someone who was an older queer man to figure out I liked boys; I wanted to be protected and loved in a way that others might perceive as unnatural. Now as for my gender, I am still figuring "it" out. As I said, my younger self explored what other grown adults would not. So healing and empowering myself in my gender and creating what I perceive myself to be is where I am at.
Blue: Have you ever experienced homophobia? If so please detail how did it make you feel…
Malachi: Yes I have, I endured it from family members, so called "friends", co-workers. I find myself in a stand still feeling, the feeling of not wanting to move wholeheartedly the way I wanted to, which was more than my sexuality more then my race but played apart into it. Yes I am gay, yes I am black but I am more then that but those attributes still play apart into though. People tried to put me in all different types of boxes but I knew as MALACHI MOTHERFUCKIN CHAPMAN that I am more then what others perceive me to be, I am a layered complex person and for someone to judge me or bully me into a unwanted box is not what I am.
Blue: Have you ever went through a homophobic phase? (A phase where you become homophobic purely because of peer pressure or insecurity)
Malachi: Yes I have found myself having homophobic thoughts. Not wanting to acknowledge people expressing and holding the power of their sexuality or gender. It's been a long internal battle to stop thinking like that.
Blue: When did you decide to come out, if you did?
Malachi: I verbally came out in 6th grade to my peers at school and ever since then, I have been living in my gay truth. With my family, I was kinda "forced out", my mom found out by looking through my phone and denying the truth of me being gay, she confronted me about it and wholeheartedly was strong about me not knowing if I was gay.
Blue: How did the discussion between your family go... were they accepting... did it take some processing? If the memory is too painful for you I understand.
Malachi: The people that I had a deep connection with were accepting, loving and not "tolerating" of it. But my parents not so much, they heavily believed that being gay was a choice, more so of a lifestyle.
Blue: As a black man, I can understand that. It’s a deep struggle among black queers because being gay is seen as a choice than something you’re just born with. Stephan Lee Dais once said “If we ever hope to empower ourselves in this country, we must accept each other as we are with myriad differences; we have no other choice. Those of us who best who best understand the problems and concerns of the black community are to be found within the black community-and some of those understanding, resourceful people are gay and lesbian”. But continuing… How were the conversations between your friends go when you came out?
Malachi: At the time I was coming out, being gay meant you were some white girl's hand purse. My true friends at the time accepted me, gave me space to go to them with my secrets, who I liked, How I really wanted to dress and naturally act. The space they held was nothing but love, praise, and questions to further my thinking of Myself, being gay and what that entitles me.
Blue: Respect! Now this question remains ambiguous to everyone but there’s no right or wrong answers here. What is your story? Who is Malachi Chapman?
Malachi: Malachi Chapman is life, I breathe life into conversations, into people, I love uplifting people. I am embodiment of a creative human being. The way I walk, talk, look, and act. I have something to say, I don't know just yet the specifics of what it is but I know it leads to liberation and creation.
Blue: Deep and I know what you mean, I’m gonna continue to spread being gay into my work either music, synopsis, scripts, essays, you name it so long as I believe I change the life of the somebody who’s just like me! Now what is your foreseeable future; in your eyes what does your future look like to you?
Malachi: My foreseeable future is walking in the fashion shows of Milan, Paris, and New York, creating more space for my dark-skin community, especially my lgbtq+ dark-skin neighborhood; it is essential to see us, ourselves, in that limelight on that platform. The reason why is that we are not celebrated enough in our homes, with our family and friends. We need to be celebrated in every possible way. We're more than just what homophobia perceives us to be. We, as LGBTQ+, are compacted with complex layers that even the community is still figuring out to this day. I also see myself on screen, playing with multitudes of people. I love acting, being on that stage, and embodying the characters; it's a drug for me. I love comedy and drama. I will be a part of a series that moves people's thinking, portraying a character who embodies all aspects of a human being, the good and the so-called bad. Living in Brooklyn or some part of NYC, living and working in the creative arts, theatre work, SAG work, film series, working on streaming platforms to get the truth out there, spread light on truth in today's world.
Blue: I love your dreams and from what I’ve seen you seem to have it all set and I hope that you get far in that path like young Billy Porter, (LOL). Now Who is your dream partner? What characteristics do you see in your future or current partner that you would adore?
Malachi: I adore my love, I adore how he gives me space to explore new avenues about myself. He praises me in ways where others did not. He makes me feel empowered, loved and adored. He puts me in a position where I was never able to be in until now. We're two different people in so many ways, but the connections and similarities that we have is what makes me feel the love, the connection between me and him.
Blue: Beautiful! And you 2 seem right together, you’re even better than my gay guide says you are. But that’s all the questions; thank you for taking the time to answer. Is there anything else you wanted to add?
Malachi: No but I love your questions, it inspires me to have more depth internal thoughts with myself and grow even more into the person life has set for me.
Blue: Yea it really makes people think which is why I’m sure this is actually beneficial for a lot of people. It’s a shame I can’t get everybody I wanted to get but people are either insecure, closeted, busy, or just don’t want to but unfortunately this is a volunteer questionnaire so I can’t force their hand if they don’t want to best I can do is pressure the people who said they were gonna do it. But thank you for taking the time Malachi and hope you have a nice day!
…Malachi’s story is imbued with a lot of passion. They really put as much effort as you can see. And as someone who doesn’t have a lot of black queers for friends it’s hard to find someone who can truly relate to how you feel as both a black man and a gay black man. You’re torn between 2 worlds and communities, on one hand as a black man you are expected act by it and become a man in the traditional sense since the culture is heavily rooted in religion where homosexuality is seen as sin but how can you do that if your gay. Although were getting better as a community we still have a lot of work to do. No one realizes that the culture can be quite destructive and poisonous, it causes us have our personal feelings get in the way of what’s best for other people. Right now I’m reading a book called In The Life: A Black Gay Anthology. It details the perspectives of other gay black men who dealt with homophobia or crossroads in their life where they were faced with the dilemma of being gay and black. The recent story of Stephan Lee Dais, he talks about how his friend tried to start a community reading program for young black people falling behind on their reading only to be met with rebuttal when the parents stated they don’t approve of any gay man teaching their children. But you’d rather your children fall behind and put your personal feelings ahead of your child’s success which holds us back as a community more than helps us. There are some knowledgeable quotes here and there but here’s one I think is fitting “How can we, after escaping so many years of oppression, turn around and oppress others?” - Stephan Lee Dais. Think about it…
Tanner's Story:
Tanner’s story also surprised me a bit. I know this man from my film class and he agreed to participate, imagine my surprise when he put more effort into addressing his story and details with homophobia than other people that was some heavy stuff but honestly it just shows me that everybody has a crazy story to tell.
Blue Haley: Hi Tanner for the record can we start with your name, pronouns, sexual preference and age.
Tanner: Tanner, he/him, gay, 22.
Blue Haley: Do you consent to having the information posted publicly on a wix.com blog?
Tanner: Yes
Blue: Ok let’s get started! Please give a brief description of yourself.
Tanner: I’m a gay man. I’m very shy and introverted. Feminine sometimes 😗 but mostly I just present as masc. I hate myself for calling myself a dog dad but I am a dog dad 🫤 I watch a lot of anime and play a lot of video games. That’s me 🤷🏻♂️.
Blue: LOL! Interesting description would love to see you wearing a dress, I can actually picture it. Now What's your greatest ambition in life you want to achieve?
Tanner: I aspire to be a filmmaker some day!
Blue: Do it! The world needs more gay filmmakers. When did you first realize you have same-sex attraction?
Tanner: I first realized I was gay at 14 when I realized I wasn’t attracted to my girlfriend. However I’m just now starting to explore my gender expression.
Blue: Interesting statement. And I guess that’s how it starts. Have you ever experienced homophobia? If so please detail how did it make you feel...
Tanner: Yes I have experienced homophobia. About two and a half years ago I moved in with my best friend at the time. She also happens to be the girlfriend I had when I realized I was gay. When I came out to her she was extremely supportive and later came out as pansexual. We were friends for about 11 years I’d say. When I moved in with her it was her, her boyfriend, her mother, and her mothers boyfriend all living in their farmhouse. Throughout the whole year and a half I lived there her mothers boyfriend was extremely homophobic, racist, sexist, and just an all around shitty person and I seemed to be the only one that cared. Obviously he didn’t show that side of him when I first moved in so he kept up appearances for the first few months and gradually got worse. At first it was just a harmless “so… are you uuuh… gay?” And since anyone with eyes can tell after living with me for even a few days that I’m not straight I just said yes even though it was none of his business. I was even more of a people pleaser back then than I am now so it was hard for me to tell someone like him to mind his own fucking business. After that it escalated to stuff like him making sexual comments around and even just blatantly showing me straight porn as a way to I guess “make me straight”. Then it got to a point where this man was the bane of my existence and I could barely even stand to be around him. We started getting into arguments here and there. Soon here and there became every week. The arguments became physical fights. He started threatening my life. Then after about ten months or so into my stay there he finally said it out of nowhere “I’m not the one flamin’ a fag” and the way he said it sounded like he genuinely wanted to hurt me for being gay. I couldn’t understand how someone could hate someone so much for something that doesn’t effect them in the slightest. This was the point where I started to have thoughts of hurting him worse than I’d ever thought of before. I’m not proud of those thoughts, but I can’t pretend they weren’t there. For the last few months I was there it escalated even further and one day I blew up and screamed at him about something I can’t even remember. In response to me angrily screaming he picked up a chainsaw and revved it an inch away from my face while he yelled something I couldn’t hear. I thought I was going to die. However, Somehow even that wasn’t enough to snap me out of it. I still stayed there for another month. Looking back I could not tell you why I didn’t leave way sooner than I did. I’d like to say it’s because of the fact that every time I told my friend and her mom that I wanted to leave they gaslit me and manipulated me, But with one traumatizing event after another I’d like to think I’d be smart enough to get out sooner. That is pretty much the extent of my experience with homophobia.
Blue: ….. Wow. Like oh my God! Dude a chainsaw?? Ayo I’m still stuck on that one. You really went all in with that one.
Tanner: Yeah I mean I still need therapy for that whole situation which I signed up for but haven’t heard back from the people yet but that part was just my way of working through it for now until I get the therapy for it.
Blue Haley: Unbelievable. Like… wow. But ok! Anyway, Have you ever went through a homophobic phase?
Tanner: No. Even when I was 8 and the other kids would do that “if you check your nails this way ✊ you like girls. If you check your nails this way 💅🏻 your gaaay 😡” thing I was like “ok I guess I’m gay 🙂”
Blue: When did you decide to come out, if you did?
Tanner: 14
Blue: How did the discussion between your family go... were they accepting... did it take some processing?
Tanner: My mom was understanding completely. my dad on the other hand tried to convince me that I was “confused” and he said I shouldn’t be putting labels on myself. He did wind up accepting me. My brother is also gay though and decided to come out publicly on the internet instead of to everyone one on one and my fathers response to that was much more angry that his son didn’t talk about it with him first. But why should he? He already knows he’s gay clearly if he’s coming out to the internet. It just felt like my father REALLY didn’t want his sons to be gay but that he wouldn’t say it out loud.
Blue Haley: Yea fathers can put a lot on their sons. I know it’s hard but honestly it really does help to find some independence and break out of people’s shadows. I’m not out to my dad yet purely for financial reasons but if the question ever popped up I’ll answer it honestly. So… How were the conversations between your friends go when you came out?
Tanner: Well the first person I came out to was a friend who was 16 while I was 14. We were laying on his bed in the dark cause we were having a sleepover and I decided to come out to him and the first thing he says to me is “oh that’s cool… you want head?” 😂 I will never forget that moment as the first time I came out to someone for the rest of my life.
Blue: Oh my God, LOL. That’s an interesting tale. So Tan Tan What is your story? Who is Tanner?
Tanner: I’m still trying to figure that out 😁
Blue: Yea there’s no rush we’re still young. What is your foreseeable future; in your eyes what does your future look like to you?
Tanner: A lot of drinking, gender-bending, smoking, crying, and maybe shrooms idk we’ll see lol
Blue Haley: That is the most fucked up answer for a possible future but ok… guess I should remain neutral here.
Tanner: Yaaaaassss. Slay. I’m tryna party in the future lmao.
Blue: You are wild. Last question… Who is your dream partner? What characteristics do you see in your future or current partner that you would adore?
Tanner: My dream partner is any chubby guy who is determined, knowledgeable, and loves me for me!
Blue: Chubby guy, LOL. But to each it’s own. Well that’s all the questions and great response dude I have to put this on the top of my blog.
Tanner: I would be honored 🙏😭.
Blue: Well thanks for taking the time to answer. And hope you have a nice rest of your day Tan Tan. People definitely should read this!
Tanner’s story, I reiterate is a surprising one for someone so “meek” I should say. But as I said before everyone has a crazy story and deals with homophobic fathers. My dad is a homophobe and believes that gayness is an agenda, but he always taught me to never take advice from people who haven’t experienced it. I know this is a double standard but still, it’s a reason why I never pay him much mind when he talks about gay people because it’s like how can you talk about these people and say it’s an agenda when you never seen the world from their point of view. The only agenda I see is gay people trying to exist as themselves without fear of oppression but unfortunately, this has taken to misunderstanding and because of our culture, homophobia has become ingrained in us and has become a generational curse, it’s my goal to break that curse and have our sons and daughter not grow up to be bigots. If you are comfortable saying the word faggot to hurt people then you are comfortable with people calling you a slur like Nigger. It’s only fair. But I guess it’s human nature to have a twisted sense of superiority towards people no matter who they are. Tanner reminds me that people are so homophobic and stuck in their own beliefs that they are willing to commit acts of violence just because they can’t fathom that other people see the world differently and live differently even our own people. Like bruh a fucking chainsaw, are you serious. I never expected to hear a crazy story like that from anybody. That sounds like some 80s Jason type mess. And then he said he was “supposedly” trying to make him straight which brings me to the topic of straight camps or people who try to turn their kids straight again, such a thing is a violation of human rights and should not even exist legally speaking but they do. Those types of people not only strip away your rights as a human being but destroy you psychologically just to make you straight. And the same camps don’t even work and further prove that gayness isn’t a choice it’s just a feeling and these camps are modern-day slavery wrapped in a sweet little gift. The insane part is that there are politicians who would fund it and even franchises such as Chick-Fil-A (though thankfully they have since stopped as of late). I never spew the word hate but those type of people who support those horrific actions can burn in hell for all I care.
Orlando's Story:
Mr. Orlando has much to tell about his story. After several days of getting him to participate he finally has taken the time to post his answers.
Blue Haley: Mr. Orlando so pleased to have you with us today after days of getting trying to get you to finally do this interview. Please put in your name, pronouns, sexual preference and age.
Orlando: Orlando, He/Him, Homosexual, 19.
Blue: Do you consent to having the information posted publicly on a wix.com blog?
Orlando: Yes!
Blue: Please give a brief description of yourself.
Orlando: I am gay puerto rican male born into poverty but have been having a steady rise out of it. Currently I intend do pursue a higher education at Rutgers University for meteorology. I'm not the most outgoing person but I enjoy the little things in life especially being out in nature but also can easily be to myself with just writing, drawing reading and music. Friends mean the world to me and I know I mean the world to them.
Blue: Yea it’s not easy being poor but I know the Lord blesses the world with struggle so we can become stronger people. And I can relate to not being the most sociable but I guess some people have it and some people don’t. And I heard you tryna become a weatherman. Respect. LOL. What's your greatest ambition in life you want to achieve?
Orlando: I currently want to make a name for myself from the things I enjoy. Meteorology but also being a public figure are two things I wish to pursue the most.
Blue Haley: Interesting you don’t meet a lot of meteorologists and what do you mean by becoming a Public figure?
Orlando: Involved in some level of activism and/or politics. So maybe be mayor or congressman one day who knows.
Blue Haley: Ah. I’m picturing you wearing a presidential suit 😭🤭. Well… When did you first realize you have same-sex attraction?
Orlando: I'd say when I was a kid. I used to feel some type of way about boys that I couldn't explain. There was no outlet for me nor an understanding. And any idea of love or affection towards another male was very frowned upon so I always saw it as if I couldn't be that.
Blue Haley: Unfortunately such a thing is common in the world. You only hear that it’s unheard of. Have you ever experienced homophobia? If so please detail how did it make you feel...
Orlando: Yes, I've experienced homophobia multiple times. One instance when I was about 10 or 11 or so. I was good friends with somebody at my day care and summer camp. We never saw each other as no more than friends. But the kids at the camp would make fun of us for liking to be distant and just to ourselves. Another time was being heckled in Philadelphia for just holding hands but simply ignored it. Neither of them were good to deal with but I'd say the public heckling by adults made me feel extremely uncomfortable and unsafe as strong as my mind was to try and brush it off.
Blue Haley: Honestly yea, statistically homophobia/transphobia is a real issue among children because of their parents. Damn shame but we can only move forward not backward. When did you decide to come out… if you did?
Orlando: I came out to my best friends and some family around the age of 16 and 17 respectively… I haven't come out to all of them but yes. It honestly felt really liberating like a wall came down giving me a sense of newfound freedom and reassert that I am loved and respected.
Blue Haley: Yea we’re on the same boat… how did the discussion between your family go... were they accepting... did it take some processing?
Orlando: With my family it was mostly accepting but did take some processing. Even now things are still in a process in some respects but for the most part it's over.
Blue: Awe I wish I could say that for myself but we’re in the beginning stages. How were the conversations between your friends go when you came out?
Orlando: It was actually really funny because it felt the hardest since they were the first. I was so worried for nothing. They were immediately accepting. One of my friends though I guess it took time to process an understanding because although he accepted me it was hard for him to accept other gay people and I found that hurt me a bit but it worked out in the end.
Blue Haley: Bro same! I came out the closet and no one cared. Everybody was like oh ok you gay now that’s cool! LOL. Anyway What is your story? Who is Orlando?
Orlando: Orlando Figueroa is a man with a dream where hid biggest enemy is himself but will always pull through. He loves his family and his circle around him and is proud of the man he has become and will become.
Blue Haley: That is a beautiful take on yourself and I really am rooting for the success in your life. I hope you get far. Now what is your foreseeable future; in your eyes what does your future look like to you?
Orlando: I expect a troubling but successful future. A lot of issues but a lot of good moments and high highs. Overall I expect to be satisfied.
Blue Haley: Seems pretty realistic. You expect some good but also some bad into the mix. As humans, we can only hope for the best and prepare for the worse. Last question who is your dream partner? What characteristics do you see in your future or current partner that you would adore?
Orlando: My dream partner is someone I can ride or die with. Someone that is able to read and know how I feel. That we can support each other. Someone who likes things I like but also has their own interests. That were able to compliment and balance each other and no matter what, be there when needed the most.
Blue Haley: Nice! I hope your future partner fits that description. Well that’s all for today, thank you for taking the time to answer. Is there anything else you wanted to add?
Orlando: Yo soy Boricua pa'que tu lo sepa
Blue Haley: Bruh- BYE (LOL)!
Orlando’s story is pretty touching and what I can take away from it is how kids are statistically more homophobic when they’re young. My personal experiences detail how it was actually pretty common to utter the word faggot back in grade school and even I participated because this was way back before it was officially dubbed a slur among queer people. The reason why kids are like this has everything to do with their parents or role models people look up to. Even kids who are straight are bashed for just having gay or trans relatives. I even feel compelled to call out the fact that some of the people who thought I was gay and bashed on me for it are in fact gay now. I know we were all dumb kids back then but it’s hilarious to think about. Another reason why children were like this can also be rooted in the music specifically hip-hop/rap. Keep in mind queerness and rap were not a good mix back then. While we’re progressing with people like Frank Ocean, Lil Nas X, Young M.A., Tyler, the Creator, and Taylor Bennett coming out to the industry it’s still a long way to go. Being gay was always bashed on in hip-hop music and because of the power music holds on people it caused people to share the same sentiments. Being gay even meant you could not have a successful career in music because that’s not what people of many cultures desire to tune into. Even today people continue to express homophobia towards others open in the industry even going far as to deliver death threats. Lil Nas X is one prime example due to his willingness to break down barriers with his music and appearance. Passing off the gay agenda & deals with the devil claims he’s stated that while he admires Tyler and Frank Ocean he is also dissatisfied with how they are portrayed with more leniency when it comes to homophobia compared to someone like him. I believe if the music keeps more hype and acceptance and less violence, kids today would be more accepting. But like I said we have a long way to go.
Bryan's Story
Bryan’s story is probably the most urban I’ve ever seen with my own eyes and you will see why. But even he admitted that it made him think long and hard about his life.
Blue: Wassup B, nice to have you hear can we start off with your name, pronouns, sexual preference and age.
Bryan: Bryan K, he/him, gay, 17.
Blue: Damn that nigga look older than he is, LOL. Do you consent to having the information posted publicly on a wix.com blog?
Bryan: Yes
Blue: Please give a brief description of yourself.
Bryan: I'm the type to rock solo and protect my energy. I like spending time wit myself & think of a hunnid ways to make a hunnid bands 😭. All i do is sleep eat smoke & write raps & occasionally beat a ho ass.
Blue: … I-, Ok. (No really this is what he wrote 😂). What's your greatest ambition in life you want to achieve?
Bryan: BK gone bad & mogul.
Blue Haley: I have no idea what that means but go off bro. When did you first realize you have same-sex attraction?
Bryan: Since i was a jit. As long as i could remember. People around me even noticed before i did. Don’t say u weren’t born gay because i sure was.
Blue Haley: Second time I heard that so it must be true. Have you ever experienced homophobia?
Bryan: Hell yea. from my own family. Of course, there was name calling/slurs by me simply just walking. Was the worst in middle school cus I was curlt + gay was not a good mix. Lmaoo.
Blue: Curlt? What does that mean.
Bryan: Ugly
Blue: Ah. Have you ever went through a homophobic phase?
Bryan: I was “bi” at one point and put a fake front up rather than be my self to the fullest cause i didn’t “like” the tooo gay persona.
Blue: A lot of people seem that way even myself in societal norms you just have to be some type of way no matter who you are. When did you decide to come out?
Bryan: I didn’t decide 😂. It revealed itself in my actions & realizations from other people, including my parents. I never say i’m gay straight off the bat wit even people i was to just meet. They eventually catch on.
Blue: Oh I caught on, I just hate making assumptions. How about family, how did that go... were they accepting... did it take some processing?
Bryan: My Mama definitely got emotional & was telling me everything i knew already & or experienced based on the fact that not everyone is going to be nice about it.
Blue: Relatable. Glad I’m not the only one who went through that. How were the conversations between your friends go when you came out?
Bryan: “i knew” - friend
Blue Haley: Right. So What is your story? Who is Bryan K?
Bryan: My story starts with my mom. She came to the U.S for the sake of her kids. Her being an immigrant imprinted humbleness in my way of living. I been grateful for the things I’ve had since I was young even when it was very little to admire. I’m happy God was introduced to early on too. My trials & tribulations, lessons & mistakes, could be an essay from a whole college class. I don’t let my weakest points define me. My story doesn’t finish because I’ll never stop learning bout this thing called life. Oh & I’m not from here I’m an alien.
Blue Haley: You look like one, your skin look way too good to be human my dude, LOL. I never saw one blemish. What is your foreseeable future; in your eyes what does your future look like to you?
Bryan: It looks like a blessing. Put in a position to represent & impact people. It looks like bars being important again. It looks like I prepared for it my whole life. My biggest dream is to help people. I wanna help hella people round the world.
Blue Haley: Aw that’s so cute. I know you gonna be somebody bro. Who is your dream partner? What characteristics do you see in your future or current partner that you would adore?
Bryan: I wanna have someone I learn from. Somebody I can grow with & in no doubt be on my side right or wrong.
Blue Haley: Seems like something everyone wants. And Thank you for taking the time to answer. Is there anything else you wanted to add?
Bryan: Yesz The quiet kid has a voice nowwww🤪. BK HO MUAH
Blue Haley: Y’all wild. Bye… when I said be real you brought the ghetto with you, LOL.
I swear Bryan’s story made me laugh so hard. This nigga was as real as he possibly could get 😂. But honestly, that’s really what I was looking for, I wanted you to tell the story- no narrate your story with no visible filter. Bryan’s story is honestly something to learn from because he’s staying true to himself. And the part where he says he was “bi” because he didn’t wanna come off as gay is what resonated with me the most. In a world that’s predominantly run by straight people, you’re kind of expected to act a certain way. And it’s not about being gay it’s just in general. As a black man, you’re kind of grouped with a bunch of people who expect you to have the same feelings, thoughts, and interest as other black people. Even though were better now I still think bisexuality is more or less acceptable among the communities rather than being gay since at least since you like women it’s not that bad (although many women including bi women aren’t to fond of bi men). I was bi once since I still crushed on some women from time to time and thought nothing of it but it just felt like I put myself in a box (which I will dive into more when Jay’s story comes). I just came out as bi because it was more acceptable but it wasn’t truly me and I despised the labels. I feel more comfortable being gay than bi since I have a deeper connection with other men than women. Though occasionally I will find some woman attractive.
Andrew's Story:
Andrew is my gay guide and Malachi’s boyfriend. While he participated I was a little bit disappointed by his small responses to the questionnaire. As my gay guide I expected a little bit more out of him. A little bit more heart I should say because let him tell it, Malachi was more invested than he was. Eventually me and presumbally Malachi convinced him to make another submission this time with more effort and more feeling to it. This is something I expect out of my gay guide.
Blue Haley: Hi Andrew Please put in your name, pronouns, sexual preference and age.
Andrew: Andrew, He/Him, Gay, 25.
Blue: Do you consent to having the information posted publicly on a wix.com blog?
Andrew: Yes
Blue Haley: Please give a brief description of yourself
Andrew: Gay chemist and opera singer
Blue Haley: Wow that’s pretty brief. Can you give a more elaborate explanation, LOL.
Andrew: Mhmmm… I'm a young adult, living with my partner, Malachi. I currently work as a chemist but I'm working towards a career in opera as a bass. I enjoy literature, film, music, and sunny days on hot beaches.
Blue Haley: That’s better! Now what's your greatest ambition in life you want to achieve?
Andrew: Performing as a professional opera singer is my greatest ambition. I want to tour the world's greatest stages, like the Met. Traveling and singing are two of my favorite things. Having the chance to do that as a career and passion would be my dream come true.
Blue Haley: Aw I can certainly see that happening. Keep following your dreams ya gay chemist. When did you first realize you have same-sex attraction?
Andrew: I remember when I was about 5 I was watching Aladdin and felt a strangely drawn to him. I didn't really have words for this feeling, other than I just really liked him. I noticed this same feeling more and more as I grew and found the feeling at its strongest in, of all places, the men's underwear section of Kohl's. For a long time I buried these feelings for fear that my very religious family would discover them. It wasn't until high school that I began to open up to these feelings, and not until college did I actually accept them. I identified as bisexual for most of college, since I did feel some attraction towards women, but I prefer men and have chosen to identify as a Gay Man.
Blue Haley: Aladdin? Bruh that’s so gay!!! Glad to see you found your prince charming though. Have you ever experienced homophobia and how did it make you feel…?
Andrew: My family was the biggest fear factor in my younger life regarding my sexuality. They were very much the “Show these people love so that you can change them” kind of Christians. They instilled such an intense homophobia in me that I was a bit of a jerk towards other queer people. I remember having feelings for another boy in middle school and being annoyed that he was his authentic self while I was too afraid to be mine, so I was very rude to him. This occurred several times throughout middle school and high school, with him and other boys. When I finally got to my first year of college, I had a breakdown that sent me to the counseling center where I met my first real therapist. Over the next few years, we explored my childhood trauma and my sexuality, and I began to accept and love myself for who I was.
Blue Haley: Families are tough. I can say that much. And bruh I’m not gonna lie to you… you seem like such a different person than who you are now. And a breakdown? That sounds pretty intense!! Have you ever went through a homophobic phase?
Andrew: I was very homophobic throughout high school. At the time, I delved into religion as a coping mechanism to cover up my sexuality and insecurities. I was often rude and at times cruel to the queer kids I knew. I regret those actions immensely and wish I could go back and apologize to them. The one boy, a year younger than me, was adorable and so sweet. He obviously had a crush on me but I was too scared to see it. The other was a friend of mine who came out as trans. I didn't think much of it at the time, and while I used their preferred name, I refused to use their correct pronouns which drove a wedge in our friendship. He was a good person whom I miss.
Blue Haley: Unfortunately I can relate to this heavy. I never knew queer kids personally but I was often homophobic cause they were the people I hung around you know. When did you decide to come out?
Andrew: I came out, officially, my second year of college. I didn't make a big announcement, but I changed my preferences on social media and my dating profiles. I came out slowly to everyone I knew over the next few months. And while the discussion with my mother didn't go too well the first time, everyone else seemed accepting.
Blue Haley: Sounds about White. How did your family take it?
Andrew: My mother was not very accepting at first. She seemed too focussed on the "butt stuff" to really understand what I was telling her. Most of my other family members either accepted me or politely ignored that aspect of me. But we're at the point where I'm comfortable bringing my partner to family events. My sister and mother are still not entirely accepting of my sexuality, but they have resolved to accept me regardless.
Blue Haley: Butt stuff. LOL. Everybody is so worried about Butt stuff. Do y’all ever care about anything besides that…. and what of your friends?
Andrew: I didn't really have conversations with my friends. They all either already suspected or didn't care. I really didn't have many friends until I came out and started accepting myself. This gave me the confidence to really get out there and make friends.
Blue Haley: Same! So… What is your story? Who is Andrew?
Andrew: Andrew has been through a lot over the past ten years. From high school drama to clinical depression and entering the workforce, he's had to do a lot of work to not only love and accept himself, but learn to love and accept others for who they are as well. This radical self acceptance has lead to many life changes, such as a career switch from science to music that alines more with his passions in life. But all the work has been worth it. He now lives with his partner in a quaint one-bedroom apartment where they both work to pursue their dreams.
Blue Haley: Sounds pretty complex. And I feel you dude. I envy you though, I want an apartment. I’m tired of driving or taking the train to other people’s houses. So… What is your foreseeable future; in your eyes what does your future look like to you?
Andrew: My future is filled with potential. So many people see life past 25 as a void of wage slavery, but my life is only beginning. Often it feels like I just woke up yesterday and today I get to decide what to do with my life. I truly believe that in a few years I will achieve my goal of becoming a professional opera singer and finally live the life I was born to live.
Blue Haley: Aw that’s adorable. I hope you make as far as you dream to. Just don’t expect me to periodically show up to your shows. I love music but opera isn’t typically my thing… so last question. Who is your dream partner? What characteristics do you see in your future or current partner that you would adore?
Andrew: I believe I have found my dream partner. They're such a kind and supporting person who's always there to listen or offer a hand. Their unconditional love has done so much in helping me to follow my dreams. Side by side, we're pursuing our own dreams with each other's love and support. And whenever I need motivation to keep pushing, all I have to do is look at their perfect bubble butt. A six pack also couldn't hurt.
Blue Haley: Dope glad you found them. If you guys get married, my name better be on that invitation. I better be the first one you thought of. LOL. But that’s all for today. Is there anything you like to add.
Andrew: Thank you for compiling this! And I hope you enjoy my (revised and superior) submission. --Love Andrew.
Andrew’s original story was straight and to the point (no pun intended), while I’m a little disappointed he didn’t put as much effort as the others. At least he participated. Fortunately he managed to resubmit his and did a more concise review. I’ve known Andrew for at least almost 2 years. And he always presented himself as calm but polite and interesting. But the way he described himself in the past was a lot different than the man I know now. And I can truly relate to his character a bit I mean I went through an intense homophobic phase and I was tired of neglecting my feelings for everyone and then you turn to people who’s more worried about the “butt stuff” like you don’t get in the bed and do butt stuff with other people. Like it’s more to it then that. And then me and Andrew share similar desires to break into music and appreciate our passions more. Although we both differ in genre, fortunately the art of genre bending created many classics like Old Town Road by Lil Nas X, XXX. by Kendrick Lamar & U2. So who knows perhaps in a near future when our interest intwine. I’m really glad that Andrew took the time to revise his responses and hope the absolute best for him. Andrew is the type of person I talk to about gay shit whenever I can.
Caleb's Story:
Caleb's story is pretty interesting if not complex. I'm pretty amazed at the effort he put into his story and hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did.
Blue Haley: Hello. Please state in your name, pronouns, sexual preference and age.
Caleb: Caleb B, He/Him, Gay, 18.
Blue: Do you consent to having the information posted publicly on a wix.com blog?
Caleb: Yes.
Blue: Alrighty then. Please give a brief description of yourself.
Caleb: I'm a thin, 6ft tall cismale with light skin despite being mixed (white, african american, and native american). I try to be as friendly and chill as possible, and I'm keepin my 'fro as healthy as it can be.
Blue: Nice homeboy. What's your greatest ambition in life you want to achieve?
Caleb: I want to open a café somewhere, so I can offer a place for people to kill time when they don't know where to go.
Blue: Oh damn I might stop by I need a place for me and my friends to hang out, LOL. So when did you first realize you have same-sex attraction?
Caleb: Around a very young age, maybe 11. I denied it until I was around 14.
Blue: Have you ever experienced homophobia?
Caleb: Sort of. I've never experienced homophobia from people who KNOW I'm gay, but I've been around homophobic people who DON'T know I'm gay. It made me feel incredibly unsafe, but doubly made me feel responsible for changing the person, or at least chipping off a layer of their homophobic shell.
Blue: I feel you dude those are the people I try to stray away from those type of people roughly for my own mental health but I feel myself screaming, “Dude you don’t know what the fuck you talking about!” (Sigh) Have you ever went through a homophobic phase?
Caleb: Hell yeah. From a young kid I've had homophobia mentally beaten into me, and after finding out I "might be gay", I became even more homophobic. At some point I decided my life would just be more fulfilling if I actually accepted it.
Blue: Ooooh I hate that and I feel you. When did you decide to come out if you did?
Caleb: I'm not entirely out to everyone. The first person I came out to was a crush in 8th grade. In between then and 9th grade, I came out to a good number of friends. Then I came out to my best friend in 9th grade, and my brother soon after. 10th grade, I came out to my older sister and all my friends who *didn't* know kinda just caught on by then.
Blue: Ah taking your time! I understand that. How did the discussion between your family go... were they accepting... did it take some processing?
Caleb: Well I never came out to my family all at once. My brother kinda just said "Oh, okay. Makes sense." When I told my older sister, she also came out to me as bi.
Blue: Can you imagine having queer sibling? My older brother has 2 gay brothers (LOL). What were the conversations between your friends go when you came out?
Caleb: Most of them said "I'm not surprised." A few said that they were just about to ask me. And a couple took it a bit personal and said "Well I'm into girls so..."
Blue: I would've responded "Ok but I'm not checking for your ass", a lil too personal for me. Those are friends I'd keep as arms length. Anyway what is your story? Who is Caleb?
Caleb: Here's my story. I live in a conservative, Christian household. Both of my parents have been present for the family, including all 3 of my siblings (older sister, older brother, and younger sister). I was homeschooled all of my life, so I never knew much outside of what my parents taught me and what I learned in church. We did attend a co-op (which is a homeschool academic group that meets up once a week), but only until I was in 3rd grade or so. Once I turned 10, I got a Kindle Fire, which became my access to the outside world. At age 12 I made an email and created a Facebook account. I made many friends, many of whom pushed me to become a more open minded person. From the time I got my Kindle up until then, I'd been struggling with my sexuality. I realized I wasn't really attracted to women, but I absolutely could NOT be gay... Right? It's just a choice... Right? I eventually found myself on Wattpad and I'd sneak in a couple gay stories here and there, and would feel guilty immediately after I put them down. But I knew it felt right in a way. Around this time I also began falling in love with animation, especially on my DSi. But from age 12 to age 15, my dad would take away the very thing I loved. For weeks, then months, and finally he took it for a year. It not only killed my passion for animation, but also made me develop a sort of dissociative disorder. On top of that, I have a strong distaste for him, yet it opened my eyes to the realization that parents aren't as trustworthy as they might seem when you're a child. Not everything they say or do is right. They're just tall kids with a couple of years under their belts. When I was starting 8th grade, my mom re-enrolled us in the co-op. I had a classmate who I developed a huge crush on, and by the end of the school year, when I turned 14, I started feeling way less guilty about the possibility of being gay. Then, after the conflict with my dad came to a peak, I didn't feel guilty at all anymore. I finally gained the courage to come out to my crush, and he was the first person I ever came out to. He just told me he's straight before changing the topic, and we went about our day. It was awkward but felt nice. Around this time I'd started talking to someone on Discord who was about 5 years older than me. This was a very toxic relationship that I don't feel like getting into. After graduating from 8th grade, I slowly stopped using Facebook and migrated over to Discord due to my relationship. I made a bunch of friends in 9th grade and developed another very strong crush on someone. Instead of telling him, I just came out to him and made a couple comments that confirmed my crush on him. He, despite being very straight, was perfectly fine with it and would sometimes play into it (ex.: one time when we were in the mall, he led me to the back of a Spencer's, and once I processed the wall of items we were standing in front of, he started cackling and dragged me out). In 10th grade, my friends from the previous year had graduated, and my friends from 8th grade had graduated into high school. We also got a slew of new members, including another person I developed a crush on. He sorta hinted toward having a crush on me first, but then after I came out, he told me he was struggling to find out his sexuality. He still never figured it out by the end of the school year, unfortunately. Then, the next year was when COVID hit. The bad news was that all of my classes moved to zoom, but the good news was that I got a job in the mall in June of 2020. In January of 2021 we got a few new hires, which included my first IRL boyfriend. Ever since my first relationship with the guy who was 5 years older than me, I had been in a couple other online relationships. But my IRL relationship seemed to be roses and butterflies... Until it wasn't. We both switched jobs to a restaurant near the mall, then my bf quit. My parents started catching on to me being gay and also my relationship with my bf. That kicked off a whole campaign of me gaslighting my parents into believing I'm ace. At the end of 2021, I broke up with my bf and also got a new job at a more local restaurant. After turning 18, I'd gotten enough money to buy a car. I went back to the other restaurant near the mall for a while, and continued the campaign of gaslighting my parents. It sort of came to a peak in the middle of 2022 as I was nearing graduation, with my dad frequently taking me out just so he could interrogate me, or because he felt bad for our nonexistent relationship. Yet, he once told me that I could never be gay or else he'd have to kick me out of the house, which is a really great thing to hear I guess. Near the end of 2022, I switched jobs to a door-to-door solar sales job, which took up a lot of time. It was a perfect getaway from home despite being paid nearly nothing. I switched back to the restaurant before the year ended so I could actually celebrate the holidays. In January of 2023, the restaurant shut down with no prior notice, leaving me and many others scrambling for employment. Luckily, I've landed myself an Assistant Manager role at the same company I worked for as my first job, but in a different mall. Currently, I'm struggling with whether or not I actually am ace, whild keeping my car in one piece, AND attempting to get into college. Everything feels like it's moving at a rapid pace, but I guess that's the beauty of life, isn't it?
Blue: That was pretty intense read. I hear you though it’s a struggle being a closeted male who is just now seeing the world. Parents aren’t perfect but what can you do. And only you can decide who you are, not anyone else just so we’re clear. My brother told me you will never be at peace until you tell somebody. What is your foreseeable future; in your eyes what does your future look like to you?
Caleb: My future looks promising. There's not much I can say precisely, but any out I can get from this hellhole of a house seems like bliss to me.
Blue: (Sigh) I get it. Who is your dream partner? What characteristics do you see in your future or current partner that you would adore?
Caleb: Unsure. I'm still figuring this out.
Blue Haley: Understandable. Well thanks for taking the time Caleb. I’ll let you know when this gets published.
Caleb’s story is very intriguing but relatable. I mean he’s still taking the time to figure himself out. If there’s one lesson my dad always taught me… it’s to know exactly who you are. Always stick to your principles… don’t let nobody force you to do what you don’t want to do. It’s some things worth dying for. I’m in difficult position with my queerness myself but 9 times out of 10, I will never have sex with no one I don’t want to have sex with just to prove my supposed straightness to people. I know who I am and still learning certain parts and desires I want to explore.
Eleonora’s Story:
Eleonora or Ele as me and my fellow pen pals love to call her in the now inactive group chat is a lesbian friend of mine. I’m not gonna lie to you, she always gave me queer vibes and I always thought of her like pansexual but she was like Nah. Nowadays I’m seeing her more intimate with girls and kinda giving out those vibes you know. But I hate making assumptions about people until the facts are clear and she finally says “yes I like girls”. She was the second person to submit a response so here we go.
Blue: Please put in your name, pronouns, sexual preference and age.
Eleonora: Eleonora, She/her, lesbian, 20
Blue: Do you consent to having the information posted publicly on a wix.com blog?
Eleonora: Yes
Blue: OK now please give a brief description of yourself.
Eleonora: Just a regular teenage girl, trying to get the most of her life by doing literally anything😂.
Blue: What's your greatest ambition in life you want to achieve?
Eleonora: Love and Personal Job Ambition
Blue: LOL. When did you first realize you have same-sex attraction?
Eleonora: I think I always knew that, but it become clearer during my adolescence
Blue: 3rd time I heard that. Have you ever experienced homophobia/transphobia. If so please detail how did it make you feel...
Elenora: I did and I still do sometimes. I hate that, but now I don’t feel that much towards it, I’m focused on living my life the way that I want
Blue: I get you. Have you ever went through a homophobic phase?
Elenora: Unfortunately yes, but it was short.
Blue: Short, lol. You got off easier than some other guys I know. When did you decide to come out?
Eleonora: I was 18.
Blue: If you came out... how did the discussion between your family go... were they accepting... did it take some processing?
Eleonora: I never had to come out, I’ve never hidden anything. So I guess I arrivederli at some point were I started talkin about girls and they were kinda getting along with that. Some are supportive, others are not.
Blue: This girl! 😂. How were the conversations between your friends go when you came out?
Eleonora: They knew it even before me, so it was kinda funny u know. Like they were waiting for me to realize and come out of the closet🤣
Blue: Everyone is waiting. Even my fellow black friends were waiting for me. So what is your story? Who is Eleonora?
Eleonora: I guess this question can’t have a proper answer. Not a single life is enough to know who we really are, but I guess we can work through it
Blue: Eh simple answer. What is your foreseeable future; in your eyes what does your future look like to you?
Eleonora: Babe, I’m a Capricorn, it must be good 😂
Blue: LOL. Who is your dream partner? What characteristics do you see in your future or current partner that you would adore?
Eleonora: Funny, sensitive and supportive!
Blue: Wow! LOL! Ok that’s all for today thanks.
Like I said she gave off those vibes but she never really said anything until I got to know her later.
Tamira's Story:
Tamira was the first one to respond. They be irking but they heart in the right place. I know them and Tanner through my film class.
Blue: Wassup Tammy! Please put in your name, pronouns, sexual preference and age.
Tamira: Tamira. they/them, 21, queer, non-binary
Blue: Do you consent to having the information posted publicly on a wix.com blog?
Tamira: Yes
Blue: Please give a brief description of yourself.
Tamira: I’m a black femme. Live in a small family with two of us being queer ‼️
Blue: That’s pretty small, but 2 queers… that’s bigger than one. What's your greatest ambition in life you want to achieve?
Tamira: It’s only my third day out here idk.
Blue: … Ok. So when did you realized you were naturally very different from the norms society pits you as?
Tamira: Not too long ago maybe a few years. gender-fluid for the first half and non-binary for the last 1-2.
Blue: Gotcha. Have you ever experienced homophobia/transphobia.
Tamira: Not directly but that’s bc i am very passable i’m not openly different in the way i present.
Blue: Explains how you and Tanner have a great relationship. Have you ever went through a homophobic phase?
Tamira: Never homophobic. just would ask questions! I don’t blame kids for asking questions abt that stuff. my younger brother was open so I always had a frame of reference before i discovered myself.
Blue: Interesting. When did you decide to come out?
Tamira: 🧍🏾🚪out to friends I haven’t been out to them but been testing the waters recently. I have some trust that I can tell my siblings and grandma MAYBE.
Blue: I doubt they’ll see you different from what you present yourself. How did the discussion between your family go... were they accepting... did it take some processing?
Tamira: Siblings is fine.
Blue: Ok. How were the conversations between your friends go when you came out?
Tamira: A lot of them are queer so easy peasy
Blue: Lemon-squeezy. What is your story? Who is Tamira?
Tamira: Tamira. I’m a black femme in Philadelphia. I’ve struggled with my identity in the community for a long time. I often think to myself if I'm doing this as a fad? Am I discounting myself as a black women by being non-binary. How do I get more into queer spaces in my area. i feel like I’m on the outs.
Blue: Ok Tamira 😏. And I feel you. What is your foreseeable future; in your eyes what does your future look like to you?
Tamira: I’m a roll with the punches person. hopefully it’s film
Blue: Y’all don’t know this person like I do. Y’all should’ve seen them in film class. They was taking control! They have a nice job as director I keep tryna tell 'em. Now… who is your dream partner? What characteristics do you see in your future or current partner that you would adore?
Tamira: Kindness and understanding. my current partners is very affirmative and kills my qualms very easily. I feel I’m not judged at all and I love that.
Blue: OOF, Ok. Getting the D and love, a rare find in Phila but anyway… Thank you for taking the time to answer. Is there anything else you wanted to add?
Tamira: Follow me on insta @totestubetam
Blue: Oh Lord.
Tamira’s the first person to respond to the survey. I don’t have many non-binary friends but I guess they’re one of them. Nothing much to say other than I hope they become a director, cause she knows how to take control and manage the set properly.
Chad's Story:
I know Chad from Tinder. He’s a sweet heart and his career choices hold promise that I can someday take advantage of for my own purposes.
Blue: WASSUP Chaderella! Please put in your name, pronouns, sexual preference and age.
Chad: Chad, he/him, gay, 24
Blue: Damn you old. I keep thinking you 22. Do you consent to having the information posted publicly on a wix.com blog?
Chad: Yes
Blue: Please give a brief description of yourself…
Chad: I'm Chad, I’m a Chinese-born, philly based graphic designer and illustrator.
Blue: Nice that will certainly come and handy…
Blue: By the way, brief intermission: support Lil Uhh this summer he’s working towards his collaborations and hope that Chad can also help with his graphics and promos. Now back to the interview
Blue: What's your greatest ambition in life you want to achieve?
Chad: Would like to be a famous illustrator.
Blue: When did you first realize you have same-sex attraction?
Chad: When I was in the middle school.
Blue: Have you ever experienced homophobia/transphobia?
Chad: Not Really.
Blue: Have you ever went through a homophobic phase?
Chad: No.
Blue: When did you decide to come out?
Chad: When I came here, I came out with the friends I met here.
Blue: Ok, how did the discussion between your family go... were they accepting... did it take some processing?
Chad: I don’t think I fully came out with my parents.
Blue: How were the conversations between your friends go when you came out?
Chad: They are really positive about it. I’m not worried about my friends too much.
Blue: Nice. What is your story? Who is Chad-erella?
Chad: I self discovering my own identity without any support, reading books, watching BL. But I never thought I am lonely, I’m believing myself.
Blue: Yea when you’re young only you have to believe you can do it. What is your foreseeable future; in your eyes what does your future look like to you?
Chad: Bright and Shine
Blue: Like a diamond. And who is your dream partner? What characteristics do you see in your future or current partner that you would adore?
Chad: I feel someone who has the common interest would be a great partner. Confident, respectful and supportive are the good qualities.
Blue: Ok thanks for answering Mr. Chad.
Chad’s story doesn’t have much to go around but it does remind me to tell you guys to support up-and-coming people from Philly. Even Barbs like Chad deserves some love. Keep those resources in check, you may need them later on.
Chris' Story:
Chris isn’t very talkative so his short and to the point responses aren’t all very surprise but I am glad (and surprised) that he participated so this is a plus.
Blue: Hi papi. Please put in your name, pronouns, sexual preference and age.
Chris: Chris, he/him, men, 22
Blue: Do you consent to having the information posted publicly on a wix.com blog?
Chris: Yes
Blue: Please give a brief description of yourself
Chris: Short Mexican
Blue: What's your greatest ambition in life you want to achieve?
Chris: Being a lawyer.
Blue: When did you first realize you have same-sex attraction?
Chris: When I was 12.
Blue: Have you ever experienced homophobia?
Chris: Yes at the boardwalk because I was wearing rainbow shorts for the first time
Blue: Have you ever went through a homophobic phase?
Chris: No.
Blue: When did you decide to come out?
Chris: 17 because I had a boyfriend and wanted to be transparent
Blue: How did the discussion between your family go... were they accepting... did it take some processing?
Chris: They were not accepting at first but came around with time
Blue: How were the conversations between your friends go when you came out?
Chris: Very good they didn’t care.
Blue: What is your story? Who is Chris?
Chris: Just your average gay Mexican living in New Jersey
Blue: What is your foreseeable future; in your eyes what does your future look like to you?
Chris: I just want to keep working and keep being happy
Blue: HAAAAA! Who is your dream partner? What characteristics do you see in your future or current partner that you would adore?
Chris: Tall Puerto Rican/Dominican/Brazilian, knows Spanish and smart and hardworking and kind
Blue Haley: Explains a lot. Thank you. Anything you wanna add
Chris Rico: Thanks
Blue: No problemo Papi!
Jay's Story:
And last but not least time to do an interview with Jay. Jay’s a lil introverted but he carries a heavy heart and tries to to be the best he can be. If your reading this you may understand him better I’m speaking a little bit too much on him. So I’m gonna give the floor to him.
Blue: Wsp Jay nice to finally meet the other side of me. Please put in your name, pronouns, sexual preference and age.
Jay: Jay, he/him, Gay, 22
Blue: Do you consent to having the information posted publicly on a wix.com blog?
Jay: Yes
Blue: Alright now Please give a brief description of yourself?
Jay: My name is Jay. I'm just a black dude from Philly trying to make the best of life and explore his own interest. I'm a late bloomer and just now getting into the dating game but overall it's been a somewhat enjoyable experience. I love music, videos, and creativity.
Blue: Amazing! What's your greatest ambition in life you want to achieve?
Jay: I want to make a name for myself and make my mark on the world. My biggest goal is to be financially successful and able to start my own multi-media business that details me helping queer people of color achieve their true potential in the arts whether it's music, video editing, photography, publishing, acting, whatever but I'm gonna have people hone their potential and become their greatest possible selves. Hope to at least try but that's the overall goal in life to help the communities in a way that just makes sense for me since there's no way one person like me can change the world but I can at least try in a more grounded fashion. Feel me?
Blue: When did you first realize you have same-sex attraction?
Jay: Honestly it felt like it was always there. I just never realized it until I hit my teens. I mean from what I can remember I used to check out guys in the YMCA camp locker room when we went to the pool whenever they were changing (without revealing to much of myself of course 😳). There was other types of feels that I felt but none to serious, I never really explored my feelings properly until I graduated high school. By then I began crushing on 2 of my best friends and eventually decided to come out to my friends. Some of my friends knew and was like you were following your friend like crazy.
Blue: Have you ever experienced homophobia/transphobia?
Jay: Online on occasion but in the real world I was on a date very recently. I was in center city and we were holding hands around the fashion district. We passed around this crowd of people promoting I think it was the Bible or something and it was this black dude who said "Bro get your hands off him". And it kind of struck me a bit. I never experienced homophobia up and personal like that. A part of me still wonders whether he actually said that or I imagined the event but it felt like a weight just got put on my head and I couldn't stop thinking about it till I went back to my date's place. It made me feel insecure you know like I gotta meet up with people expectations but at the same time that's exactly what I been rebelling against. You can't control everybody's fears and hopes only your own. Aside from that you have family members who are homophobic especially my father and the people he hangs with. Honestly it's the reason why I felt so out of place among family members. I love them but I just feel different around them not even based off sexual attraction but just in general like I’m not into sports, I’m pretty quiet and reserved among the family and have other hobbies that involve playing around the computer. Like I can't help being born different from all the other kids. All I ever heard of from my family was that gayness was unheard of. My dad even said just cause you see a boy wearing a dress on tv doesn't mean you will see it in real life and as of now that's bullshit to me. I'm pretty sure people unfollowed/unfriended me on social media because of homophobia because it wasn't like this before I came out. Now I'm expressing myself and people are slowly revealing their true colors.
Blue: Have you ever went through a homophobic phase?
Jay: Unfortunately yes. Because of the influence my family had as well as back then it was cool to bash on gay people and even drop the F-Bomb yes I did. And I deeply regret some of the stupid things I said especially when they come up present time. I think to myself "why the fuck did I say that, what was the point". I only bashed on queer people just because I wanted to fit in with a cool crowd. But honestly the people I wanted to impress were all assholes compared to the people who actually had my back. I grew out of it come senior year once I started developing feelings for someone and seeing the world for myself. And I was like these people are not that bad as anyone makes them out to be. Gay rights are human rights and I'm not gonna let no fucking destructive culture or outside influence tell me different. I’m sorry to say even today I wind up questioning myself and my interest. I remember my dad once showing me videos of people getting turned out in prison or raped in their sleep because of their own naivete. It kind of fucked me up in the head a little bit and made me start questioning myself but at the end of the day my heart stays true and I know for a fact that I am sexually attracted to Men. Others won’t understand but I and the people I communicate with do. I just hope my family comes around eventually and I can end the cycle of hate and homophobia that plagued my family for generations.
Blue: Ok bruh that’s deep as hell. When did you decide to come out (if applicable)
Jay: I first decided to come out to my friends, when I met my friend and pen pal Moises. This came after my temporary fall out with one of my best friends that left me flustered. Moises is gay and he kinda inspired me to come out. I first came out as bicurious then bisexual because I still had attraction to women but I hated the labels. I guess a part of me felt free but also boxed in still. Slowly I came out to my friends and they all had great reactions and I was like oh wow all this support. One of my friends he’s christian and inspired the Lil Uhh trend, I was so afraid to come out of him because as christians you don’t fuck with this shit, naturally. Not only that but he kinda called me out for acting a lil fruity. Eventually we got into discussion and I finally mustered the courage to come out and he said I will not look at you any different bro I respect you too much to do all that. I was gonna come out on social media come my 21st birthday but I had conversation with my friend from Vietnam and heard how he was enjoying hooking up with other people. I said to myself I want some of that and decided to come out the day after my 20th birthday. The most insane part was how easy and nonchalant it was. No one cared, no one gave a fuck they just saw the post and moved on like 2 people gave me a thumbs up. Like the fear of my friends ousting me was nonexistent because they were truly loyal.
Blue: If you came out... how did the discussion between your family go... were they accepting... did it take some processing?
Jay: Sigh… I came out to my mom around late 2019 after coming out to my close friends. Honestly her negative reaction to it kind of just broke me inside. Her words were in a condescending tone "why? What Happened". Everything else was a blur but what we did get into an argument. It's just weird because she's supposed to be the supportive figure in my life but wasn't really acting like it. I'm keeping it a bean, that conversation drove me insane it kept flashing back into my mind. It came to a point where I never brought it up and she just forgot. My sister been knew because she snuck on my iPod and saw pics of other shirtless guys cause I did that and never changed my password to my iPod. My other sister knew because I forgot she was in my close friends on IG. My older brother found out when my dad hired strippers for a hotel party to celebrate my 21st birthday. He said something wasn't adding up and asked and I came out with it and eventually we had a discussion. Apparently his younger brother's gay (we have different moms). LOL. Can you imagine having 2 gay brothers. Eventually my mom asked me again do you like girls and I said no, I just came out with it. This time it was a more decent conversation. She gets personal preferences but still worries for my well-being. She thinks I should tell my dad and spare his disappointment but I rather wait until the moment presents itself and I'm stable enough. The only thing that’s really stopping me from coming out is opportunity and money. I don’t have enough money to move out nor is that my priority yet because of how good I have it and I don’t wanna live uncomfortable with having family members talk about me every time I visit. If they ask I will tell the truth but for now I’m biding my time and hoping to become financially stable.
Blue: How were the conversations between your friends go when you came out?
Jay: They were incredibly accepting. Some weren't entirely surprised because I made the signs mad obvious. Come senior year that’s when the gayness in me finally came out. It was crazy cause I was so worried that the entire world was in a bubble of homophobia but no everyone likes and accepts me for who I am. And that's what gives me to courage to keep going, enjoy my life, and set an example and hopefully get the confidence and live freely and check whoever wanna fucking play me.
Blue: What is your story? Who is Jay?
Jay: My story is pretty complex. I'm just a kid from philly still exploring himself, exploring his own interest. Some people know me as Jay some know me as Lil Uhh or Blue Haley which is you. But honestly I'm just a man who with big dreams. I wanna be successful I wanna help the world in his own way. All Jay really wants to do is live his life and enjoy it. Adversity and hinderance makes him more willful but also stronger.
Blue: What is your foreseeable future; in your eyes what does your future look like to you?
Jay: There's so many possibilities but the biggest path I wanna take is being able to improve on my interest and being able to meet my idols, get some advice, and tricks on how to improve what I want to do. Whether it's music, filmmaking, I wanna make it work and become a billionaire (or come close). Be able to pretty much work for free (since I already have money) and spend more time with the people I care about. I just want to be happy and secure and provide for the people who helped get me there and were there!
Blue: Who is your dream partner? What characteristics do you see in your future or current partner that you would adore?
Jay: Personally I'm into lighter skinned people. Idk why but I find asians, latinos, and some white people here and there extremely attractive more so than most black people. I'm being honest my dream partner is someone who understands me for me, listens to me, and appreciates my interest. He's someone I want to be comfortable being with and can be safe space or anchor when I'm feeling down or paranoid. I want someone who can always have my back no matter what. The person I'm seeing now, I'm grateful to have him, my gay guide once told me the best people come when you least expect them and that's how it went. We're not a couple yet but we are dating and I love spending time with him and hopefully I can shed some light on his life like he would probably do for me. I can’t lie to you man it’s been a bumpy rode in the dating game, a lot of gays are just to promiscuous or just not my type and don’t understand I’m a guy who desires an emotional connection and even then I wind up getting taken for granted and my kindness is exploited for there own gain. I feel like they treat me as that guy who’s supposed to wait for them and they think they can play me but bro we not gonna do that. There is an upside though for one I learn from each guy and what to expect from them and not only that somehow each one I talk to gets better and they become more down to earth for me and we have more in common otherwise the guys in the past are just “Prototypes”.
Blue: That’s a really long sentiment I don’t think I have any notes but yes that is something. But that’s all I really wanted to ask I know these were deep questions for you but thank you for taking the time to respond is there anything else you would like to add
Jay: No. I’ve said enough.
Jay’s story is touching to say the least. The other side of me is conflicted and without sharing too much holds a lot of internal conflict. I pray that someday life gets easier for him and he no longer has to deal with anxiety.
To finally end this article. Cause I know by now you guys are tired of reading this very long article and survey but I really am happy that about 10 people took the time to answer the questions and most of them open themselves up and told their stories and how they view the world. A lot of them still have growing up to do. Some are achieving peace but my one goal is for anyone reading this to find some truth and perspective from other people and how they view the world and themselves. Much of the people who responded all said something similar when it came to how they first discovered they were gay, it’s not something you discover per se it’s just something your born with. The world views gayness as a choice and an agenda. It kinda is but not in the way they think. The world believes that we’re trying to poison the minds of children and convince them that this is what’s natural. But that’s only half the story, for one gayness was never a choice and I dropped a song to rebel against all those who claim it and the so called agenda is constantly being disproven because you refused to understand that the world is changing and more people are discovering the strength to finally fight back, live their truth and stand against their oppressors. They’re tired of you all constantly trying to bury them and put them back into the closet or accuse us of emasculation. Gay rights are human rights and search of free will and identity is not a mental illness. They think us to be a little community that poses a threat to other cultures but the truth is there are more of us out there than they can count, some are in the closet either by personal or political choice the people who are out now aren’t even the majority of the Queer community there is probably millions of us somewhere in the world. It exist in nature it can exist in humans. Phobia also means fear and the truth is people fear us because we’re finally in an era where this type of thing is (roughly) well accepted now. My dad once told me back in the 90s this sort of thing meant the end of your career. People would beat you up just for walking sus. The 90s had great music but there’s no way someone like me would survive. I’d probably die inside, mentally tortured by the violence caused by homophobia. Homosocialization also plays a big part homophobia, people are more likely to be homophobic because they have no queer friends and everyone is worried they’d get judged by being seen with them. This generation has it’s flaws but one thing it got right was giving gays a voice and pushing the bar of acceptance everywhere among all communities. You can dread it or run from it but all the same change is happening whether you like it or not. While I still have some growing up to do myself and trying to find the confidence to truly embrace my gayness no matter who stands against it I really do hope that to any closeted male or female for that matter (or non binary because I don’t discriminate) reading this would eventually observe other people’s stories and perspective while making they’re own. The queer community isn’t perfect but it’s message is clear… “Be Yourself”.
I dedicate this article and my findings to the book that inspired it all In The Life: A Gay Anthology. The stories among this book and many different perspectives or poetry is very fascinating and amazing. They all have a voice. My voice is always expressed through both social media and my work. Through my blog. Although not many people pay it any mind. My goal is to set an example for one person of color secretly observing my actions and feeling inspired by what I’m trying to do. I thank Malachi, Tanner, Orlando, Andrew, Bryan, myself and the rest who responded for taking the time to answer this survey and I know it wasn’t easy for many people to dive back into those negative parts of their life associated with queerness. I enjoyed looking through your stories and hope someone feels inspired with yours. I hope all of you find peace and whatever it is you’re looking for on this Earth. I thank all of you for looking at this post and if you’re reading this please share this with everyone. Because they need to read this…
Again thanks to everyone for contributing. I hope this process has made you think about yourself and what you want for yourself. Signing off Blue Haley and Jay!
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