Sometimes silence is golden… not saying anything is saying everything. Let me take you on a ride in my head. Been a lot going on lately and my head is lowkey all over the place. So I think writing in my blog to express my thoughts would help clear my head. I feel like I express my feelings a little too much and that’s because I’m a passionate individual who stands up for what he believes in. Thanks to social media I have a voice and that voice will not be silenced by anyone but it feels like I’m losing people because of that voice. It feels like I’m alone like I’m Tom Holland’s Spider-Man from No Way Home after he lost his only support system for the good of the multiverse. You know in the MCU grief was a recurring theme in the franchise. Next to Princess Shuri, Wanda Maximoff, and Thor, Spider-Man suffered greatly in silence, he was outed as a superhero by the rogue Mysterio and his entire reputation began to shift as public opinion began to interfere with his social life. Eventually, it even interfered with his chances of getting into a good college as well as his friends. Unable to bare this unexpected turn of events any longer, Peter turned to Dr. Strange for help in erasing everyone’s memory of peter parker and Spider-man but the spell was corrupted by his frequent request which led to a multiverse breach when numerous villains of Peter Parker throughout the multiverse came into his. Peter is torn with a difficult decision to stick by his principles or sacrifice them for the good of the multiverse because it is their fate. Eventually, he makes the ultimate sacrifice and loses everyone he cares about including his best friend and girlfriend leaving him alone a fate much worse than death. Sometimes I wonder what am I here for. Sometimes I recall assistance from people, even music & writing to clear my head. Once I finished this blog post I feel at this point it’s better to remain silent and try to remain calm and focused on what I want.
I’ll start with the biggest thing on my mind which is the last guy I was seeing. He knows who he is and he’s most likely reading this… reminiscing on the past a bit I find it crazy how we randomly we met and how it felt like we knew each other all our lives. We just connect well and he liked me for me. Even my friends find him enjoyable. The crazy part was how pessimistic I was before meeting him because of past flings and experiences people who didn’t want to take it further or went ghost. I kept him secret from my socials to see how we could connect and the fact that no one needs to know about him, yet at least. I still gave him time because we just met and you never know. My feelings to say the least were complicated and I tried to retain distance because of past experiences and the fear of becoming clingy to a potentially failed relationship. I enjoyed my time with him and genuinely believed maybe we could work something out but I still was talking to other people just in case. Problem is no one had that same energy I mean who else do I know that would remember and set an alarm for my birthday, came with me to an Ella Mai concert (even though he didn’t have to) and would give some of the things I liked a chance as well as humored my goals. He tells me many times if there is anyone else, it’s ok we can still be friends but there wasn’t. And I can say I did wind up falling for him. I have my flaws and I said that the first time we met I’m not perfect and it takes a real man to admit that. His only complaints about me was that I was pushy. But unfortunately he doesn’t want to continue any longer in regards to his education, his career, and his goals as well as had to consider us. He’s not someone I can let go easily because he’s great. I handled it well initially but by day 3 which they say is the worst day after a breakup I felt depressed and felt like everything I did was for nothing. Like he didn’t care about me like that anymore. My friends find him amazing and they all like him but it’s not me… it’s him and I guess he felt I was too great for him because he can’t be the boyfriend I deserve and feels we’ll just hold each other back. It hurts you know and I been complaining for the past few weeks about it trying to make sense of it and cope. Even before he told me I felt guilty about sleeping with other guys but he didn’t and keeps telling me to let go but I just can’t at least not that easily. Me weighing my emotions and feelings of doubt didn’t help either and it was good for the both of us so we decided to maintain distance in order for me to get over myself and come to terms with everything because my feelings were real and it’s not easy. He says he’ll always be there for me and I’ll forever be there for him and probably can say I loved him. Admittedly I’m selfish but not unreasonable to see where he’s coming from. Like both our lives are chaotic and too much going on to reach stability and get into a real relationship. Maybe he is a Prototype for the next one maybe someone else just as great as he is will fill the void. I can’t see the future but I can see that timing was bad and we’re better off as friends right now to avoid hurting ourselves. And I have to find the grace to let him go so the next time I see him (by himself), old feelings won’t make me tear up in pain or lash out at him in anger and disappointment. I really miss him and will miss him greatly and the time we spent like I literally took this dude to a hotel for Valentine’s Day and it was amazing but it might be better for us, I just have to try and be strong and retain my self-respect.
The second thing on my mind is friends, I had a couple coming to me this month talking about suicide. It’s crazy because first of all, everyone trusts me because I’m empathetic and can relate to certain situations but this is one I had no idea how to deal with. I haven’t had to deal with death since the death of my great Grandfather and I was a baby at the time and can’t really remember him. I don’t do well with moving on easily with grief. It’s only so much a boy like me can handle. I’m strong and try to look on the bright side and bury my feelings but sometimes it’s too much to bare and you break down. I remember when my twin/best friend/brother Sho left, I graduated and tried to call him but he refused to answer because he was on a date. Can you imagine the biggest day of my life turned the worse because I was too excited to listen? Even though it hurt and days following I would just go home and feel too depressed to do virtually anything. It didn’t help when my cousin started screaming at me. I’m gonna get off topic soon but the feelings were so much. I kept them buried I just broke down in front of everybody during my retreat for college. It was so much to bare because I rarely tear up these days but the emotions, everything, it was so much. That’s why I think even though crying may make you seem weak. Everybody has feelings and goes through shit. They lose the people they care about or go through breakups, sometimes it’s important to let yourself break in order to rebuild yourself and become better and stronger. I even went as far as to contact Sho’s sister and girlfriend about what was going on and gain some closure. We laugh about this sorta thing now because I have such a dry and dark sense of humor and he has apologized many times and I forgave him because I do not hold grudges, I am an adult and revenge is never the answer. I guess you can say since talking our relationship is better. That’s why I’m saying it’s a lot to bare, and I suffered in silence. But sometimes it’s good to be silent after speaking because it speaks more. I’m loyal to my friends but sometimes it feels like I’m alone because they also have live lives and careers of their own. I have their back when they need me but what about when I need them. Sho’s in japan and I wish he was here matter of fact I wish I can teleport like Cloak from Cloak and Dagger because maybe things will be easier. I’ve had suicidal thoughts before but I moved past them. I stand by my friends and I know how to pick them but would they stand by me if anything went down and I needed them or will I be alone and people will just not care.
The 3rd thing on my mind is my career. I’m gonna be honest with you guys. Before I felt like I should just drop out of college and focus on work but seeing the last guy I was seeing working on his education despite the adversity and disadvantages he was given and how I wanted to give up so easily or take a break. I think maybe I should continue my education but pursue a different major for myself. Originally I went to college because School was always what was pushed on me. I always saw only one goal and that was to get my diploma. Get good grades then grow up, get a desk job, work 9-5, pay off a house, live in Philly, find a wife and have kids then die after a long life. I never knew what I wanted until I went to college. And I realized I don’t want to live a basic ass life. There’s more to life than a fucking desk job. Classes like sociology, Psychology, Music technology, and video production were the absolute best. The problem was however I let myself get distracted by outside forces & internal conflict. I do wanna finish school but I wanna finish it with something I want to do not with what everyone once me to do. Then maybe once my grades are up I can finally transfer or find a job that’s more fulfilling. I feel like my parents wouldn’t understand to much but I do and this is something more fulfilling for me. College is supposed to be hard but enjoyable and help you find what you’re looking for in life and it made me realize what I want is to be successful in the media industry, make a name for myself and start a multimedia business for myself where I help other people like me reach their full potential, especially other queer people. I wish to provide them with resources to succeed at wherever they wish. It’s how I see fit to help the world. Especially a world that’s broken by conflict and petty rivalries. It’s a lot and sometimes I wind up questioning is it worth but having a conversation with my maternal grandfather he tells me to never get distracted from your goal… everyone makes mistakes because we’re human what’s important is that we learn and grow. My goal is to become successful and be there for the people who put me up there.
The fourth thing on my mind is my parents… especially my dad. Oftentimes I spend time away from my family because I’m not out yet to my whole family. My dad is a homophobe and does not like the gays at all but that’s partly cause of the environment he grew up in. My mom has similar thoughts but she doesn’t think as black and white as him (I might have to attribute that to her being a teacher). She knows I’m gay but honestly I wish my family knew because I want to tell them but I want to find stability and success first because by that time if they cut me off, it doesn’t matter anymore. Only few of my family knows the only assurance I get is from most of my siblings excluding my little brother but that has much to do with my father filling up his head with his thoughts and opinions and he’s still young and immature. Sometimes I think leaving the birdnest is the best thing because it helps you grow and I held that mentality since i first came out as gay. I don’t want them to hold me back from who I am but when I’m with them I can never express my true feelings. I don’t know, everyone’s unpredictable so my mom comes easier than most but I can’t say the same about my elders. They’re pretty closed-minded at this so I feel a little alone right now because I have no gay relatives. The closest I have to an accepting relative is my aunt because she never discriminates and is pretty lenient. I just don’t know. I never asked to be born this way but this is how I feel and I was raised to never be a follower. Like I never fall under peer pressure anymore, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink like that, I'm just me. And I'm gonna do me.
A la the late Jerry Springer: “And now my final thought…”. Sometimes don’t you feel like nothing makes sense at all? Like you try so hard to please but it never works out in your favor and you just wonder if was it ever worth it. Between Lucas (that’s not his name but it does retain some familiarity), my friends and their issues, my family, and my issues it’s a lot to juggle. I hope whoever is reading this knows that they’re not alone and that everyone is struggling with something the best you can do is be strong and work through it and retain support from those who need it. For supposedly my favorite month it’s been emotionally draining, to say the least. I hope to find some form of peace from all this eventually and even have a good laugh out of it. That’s how I feel and I believe I should get it out there before I decide to just shut the fuck up about it completely and move on. The only thing that stops me is my emotions but I’m working through it and my goal is to be happy. I’m not happy and I made that clear many times but I want to be. Thank you all for taking the time to read this and know that I’m here if you need to talk and I’m also thinking about making an expanded version of my queer stories. It’s gotten so many good reviews I feel I must make an encore with more stories. I’ll keep you guys updated
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